Elimination Communication and Regression (Or “Why Is My Baby Not Letting Me Help Her Pee?!”)

I’d like to do a detailed post at some point of my EC journey thus far, but until then I’ll give a quick surmise of it: I began going completely diaper-free with my baby when she was just two weeks old. It has been an amazing and fulfilling journey for me and I am so glad I decided to do it. I’d get peed on sometimes but really not all that much, and only when I was distracted by talking to a friend. Then at about 8-9 months everything changed!

I had been catching pretty much all of my baby’s elimination cues and needs. On an off day I’d miss 4-5, but most days I’d miss none. I was heralded as the Elimination Communication Queen in my mama groups. I felt really great about this identity.

I had had a few weeks on and off where my daughter wouldn’t want me to help her; aka she’d wiggle and cry when I tried to put her in position. I would always lay off and let her pee on the floor more often (yay wood floors!) or outside. She’d always come back from these and it wouldn’t last that long. It would never be that way when we’d go out of the house. If we were in public she’d let me catch all of her pees as usual.

Then it all changed very suddenly. She was not interested at all in being held to pee. She would wiggle and squirm and want to be let down or just held. At first I was confused and thought my timing was off because she would then pee a few minutes later. As this kept on going, I realized she was totally rebelling against being held to pee. She simply didn’t want me to help her.

I struggled really hard with this. I questioned myself and our journey so far. I wondered where I’d gone wrong. I asked other EC parents for advice. I didn’t want to give up; I didn’t want to miss her pees. I wanted to keep going on the way we’d been doing!

This was a huge reality check for me as far as how much I was invested in our EC journey, versus how much she was invested in it.  She definitely didn’t want to be in soggy diapers, she would always pee and move away from it. If she peed on something cloth, she would immediately go somewhere else, not just sit in it.

I didn’t know what to do because I was so, so, so against putting her in diapers. Yet I couldn’t just let her pee on other people’s carpets. When we were home she’d be naked, she’d pee where ever, and it would be fine.
One night we were pet sitting for a friend, sleeping in someone else’s bed, and she peed while she was sleeping. This had not happened since she was a few weeks old. She hadn’t peed while asleep in a very long time. It was about 4am and I suddenly went crazy. I grabbed my phone and I started searching the web for anything. I wanted desperately to find out what was going on and if it would ever change again! (At the time I felt really stuck in this phase, I felt like maybe she’d never go back to wanting me to help her again).

Thankfully, after a lot of searching, I found a few people talking about this and calling it “regression”. As I read their posts I felt so much ease wash over my entire body: This happened. This was normal. Other people had experienced this. It wouldn’t last forever.

From what I read, other people’s babies would go through regressions when they were working on a big milestone, such as crawling, walking, teething, talking, etc. That made sense. My baby had just started crawling, she was learning to walk, she was definitely teething and she talked to me all the time. We were also in the midst of moving from the house she was born in to somewhere else. I guess she was just busy.

I stopped trying to help her pee. I let her do her own thing. I noticed that she really did just want to do other things. She didn’t want to think about peeing; she wanted to crawl around and chase that cat. She wanted to explore with her newfound abilities. She wanted to do so many new things. Maybe she just didn’t feel like she had the time to sit in my arms while she peed anymore. There were so many new and interesting things to do and she definitely didn’t want to be swooped away from them and held over a sink.

So she peed on floors and outside and in her tiny baby underwear. She peed all over the place and I stopped worrying and I didn’t try to catch any of them at all. I just let her be. I let go of my ego, I let go of my wants and desires to be catching all of her pees or to not have anything to clean up. I made the conscious decision to not be irritated when I felt like she was going to pee and she did, on the floor.

For me, this meant having to put diapers on her occasionally, because we also began working a lot more, and therefore are in other people’s homes with carpet for hours each day. I was so against diapering her at all. Yet when I examined my beliefs, I realized that a huge part of it was not wanting my child to sit in her own waste. So I vowed to change her each time she peed (I can still tell when she is going to or does, of course). I sucked up my inner narrative of how many diaper liners I’d be using and washing, and I just did what I had to do. She doesn’t sit in her pee for hours. She still lets me help her poo most of the time. When we aren’t over carpet, she’s still diaper-free.

It has been about a month, and things have begun to change again. She lets me help her pee in the mornings and through out the day. It’s definitely not every time, and I’m careful to give her her space around it and not make it something annoying to her. I don’t want to create bad feelings around this. Every time she lets me help her now, I am grateful, and realize how many things in life I take for granted. It has become more of, “she let me help her!” rather than, “I missed this many today… uuuugh”. It’s a totally different feeling. It’s actually a lot better for me– I don’t feel guilt for missing her pees. Instead I feel grateful when she asks me to help her out.

Now that she’s walking with one hand, some times she will grab my hand and lead me over to her little potty. “Do you have to pee?” I will ask her. She makes her noise that means “yea,” and I set her on her toilet. She pees, I wipe her and she goes on to do all her exploratory missions around the house. It’s simple. It’s child-led. I’m not fussing about trying harder– I’m not trying to meet some invisible quota. She lets me know when she wants my help, and I am so happy to help her.

mamatune

How I Make Working Out Work for Me with a Baby

Let me begin this posting by saying that who ever you are, where ever you are, no matter what your body looks like, you should love your body. Think of all the invisible ways on a day to day basis that you use your body to live and be thankful for all that your body helps you to do in life.

I have been itching to get back on the workout train ever since my baby was born. I knew I had to be patient and take my time, wait until my daughter was old enough to hang out while I worked out. Once she turned 10 months old I noticed that she became a lot more independent. In the mornings she’d sit up and go crawl around and explore. This was my cue that maybe I could do things without her in my arms for a bit of time.

I don’t do a workout routine every day, but I do get out and about and do some sort of exercise every day. Mostly I can do this with baby in tow, perhaps even in the carrier. I encourage every mom to get out of the house and at least breathe some fresh air every day. Go on a walk, go hike up your nearest mountain. Your kid will get so much out of it too!

So I have been walking around and doing outdoor activities with my baby from the start. But what I really, really wanted to be able to do was bodyweight workout. That is what this posting is about. These are a few things that have worked for me so far, and of course it’s a journey that is ever changing, so have patience with yourself and your baby and remember that they will never be this small again, so enjoy it. Go with the Kentucky Windage (make the most of what you can with what your current circumstances are)!

Be willing to stop your workout to take care of your child’s needs

If your kid is fussing and crying and wants to be held or nurse, by all means, take a break and give your child what they need. No one will enjoy working out (your or your baby!) if one of you is extremely upset for the entirety of it. Be patient and know that your kid will learn to do their own thing while you workout as they get older, but for now you may have to stop and nurse them or carry them around and incorporate them into your workout for a bit.

Be willing to carry your child while you workout

Sometimes I use my baby to add extra weight to my workout. When she needs to be held, or even today, I was nursing her while doing squats! Hey, it’ll just add to the difficulty for you, which will make you stronger. Think of it like an extra challenge mode. Then set her back down when she’s feeling alright (and is okay with doing her own thing again) and continue on with your workout!

Give your child all your attention when you’re done

I thank my kid for being so patient and tell her that I feel so much better when I work out. I nurse her as much as she wants and usually put her down for a nap if she’s tired. I stroke her hair while she falls asleep and give her lots of love. I feel good knowing that in just ~30 or so minutes I have increased my endorphins and will feel the benefits for days! I feel like I’ve taken care of myself and I can be more present and available for my child because I don’t have a nagging in the back of my head wondering when I will get to work my muscles.

Remember to always warm up first and cool down with some stretches afterward. I am usually stretching and nursing at the same time and some times I’m warming up with my baby in my arms as well. I feel like the most important piece of advice I can give is that if you really want to do it, it’s totally possible. Get a bit creative! It can be really fun.

I’d love to hear any advice anyone else has for working out with your baby!

Thanks for reading,

mamatune

Mothers Be Good to Your Daughters

We are all part of this huge long line of women. Women are survivors. We are the ones who came out alive, fighting, with a burning fiery desire to keep on living. To care for our kin, to preserve our ancestors. To keep our line going.

Every day women are abused. The most dangerous thing to a woman, the thing that kills or harms her most often, is men.

As women, mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, nieces, it is our job to pass on our wisdom, our knowledge. To pass our empathic torch from woman to woman. To be there, to support, to hold, to share kind words of encouragement. To be silent and listen. To nod and smile and cry and weep long tears that stream down our beautiful faces.

Women are made to let things happen to us. To sit idly by and nervously tilt while accepting the man’s word as law, as having some sort of authority over us.

As if his opinion, thoughts or actions some how carry more weight, or mean more, or have a more thought out process behind them.

And then here we find ourselves. Together. Surrounded by the sisters we’ve chosen.

As women, it is so important to pass your knowledge, your skills of encouragement, your listening wisdom and your empathy on to the other women you know.

We all need it more than anything we know. Let’s disband the hate, the competition, the jealousy. Let’s stop fighting over who is the most beautiful, the most wanted by the men, or who has had the most.

None of that matters.

What really matters  is how we feel at the end of the day. Who we have when things fall down. Who will listen and honor our words when we speak. Who will be there to give a hug, lend a shoulder. Cry with your weeping.

Women matter. We matter to each other. Because we set the precedent for how we will be treated. Its up to us to lift each other up and guide one another to the places we feel best. We have to show, with full love and support, that we are worth it, we are kind and beautiful. And we don’t have to take that shit, we don’t have to sit back and let the man rule our world. Why?

We deserve better.

Anonymous Shyness

I’m trying to not edit all of myself out of my internet writing.

When there’s no audience, of course it’s real. It’s me. That’s how I keep sane. It’s how I know who I am and what I need. It’s passionate and alive and all-revealing. Its creative and different all the time. And I don’t give a fuck.

I don’t care if anyone has a stickler with what I’m saying, because no one really can.

On here, I’m wide open to the entire Earth. Anyone from anywhere could stumble upon this. Isn’t that amazing? Until the internet, we were limited by who could really see our thoughts or feelings. Now it’s just bam. Everyone has a blog, everyone wants to have a blog.

It seems like we all want to be seen. More than anything.

To be heard, and to be understood.

I think that’s a basic human need.

I’m not sure if people became more shy before or after the internet, but it’s like there are so many people walking around with broken hearts that no one really thinks real connections exist. Chitter and chatter happens. And if you’re lucky you find a handful or two of people who you can be completely unfiltered with.

But especially on the internet, I see so many saying things like, “I’m not really close with anyone– I am, but not in that way. Not in the way that I could really tell them these things,”

and you know what I have to say to that?

Tell them!

If you feel as though you can’t, it’s either because you really can’t, or because you’re afraid of doing so. My solution is to definitely, positively, always tell them. Tell someone.

Because we have to. As humans, we crave connection. We want acceptance. We need to feel validated to feel happy. (Right?)

Whoever you tell will do one of two things. They will either let you down and you will probably feel like shit, or they will embrace you and you will feel way better and a little safer in this huge world.

If they let you down, you know that’s okay because in reality that person was going to let you down at some point anyways. You were just spending time with someone who wasn’t able to handle your badass awesome self.

And when someone makes space for you when you open up, it is like the sun shining down and making you all warm. And it’s like how lizards probably feel when they’re getting a little too cold so they go and climb up on a rock and they wait until a sunbeam comes over their little scales and they soak it all in and it warms their insides and it keeps them alive.

Tell someone something. Because you know you need to get it out. Soak up that sun, you lizard, you.

See You Forever.

Little eyes. The eyes of a snake, or a cat, or a hawk. Powerful. Mesmerizing. Deep and knowing. Hard to look at and hard to look away from.

These are the little eyes that stare at me. Unblinking.

Gorgeous blue eyes. Long curving eyelashes black as soot.

“She has your eyes,” they tell me.

I know. These eyes that see everything. I can tell she already does.

Like the way she watches me eat a plum. I spit the seed out and she follows suit.

She’s so damn clever. She’s alive. More alive than anything I know.

When she laughs, her whole face laughs with her. Her nose crinkles up and her cheeks raise up as high as they can, as if they could just float away.

I hope she sees more of the good than I have. I hope she always has love. I hope I am always in her life.  These are the things I think of and these are the things that push me to try my hardest.

I need her to know how much I love her. I want her to be able to come to me. I want to help her, when her eyes turn away from me and onto the world. While she sees more and more of everything, I want to be there.

I want to hold her and kiss her tears. I want to laugh until we choke on our own spit. I want her to know that I see her. And I want to really see her.

Ladies, Just Doula.

I was driving back from a picnic at the river with my friend (who’s been a midwife for a decade) a few weeks ago and as we came to a stop at a red light, we saw the car in front of us, an old beat up lincoln town car, was sporting the classy bumper sticker “JUST DOULA”. We both cracked up. It was such an unexpected looking car to be shouting labor and woman friendly slogans!

Google defines a Doula as

1. a woman who is trained to assist another woman during childbirth and who may provide support to the family after the baby is born.

In fact, there are Labor Doulas as well as Post partum Doulas. Labor doulas are great for holding onto as tight as you can while having contractions. They are also known for giving massages or pouring water over you if you are in a birth tub and you want either of these to be happening. Unlike a midwife, who’s main priority and job during your labor is to check vital tones on both you and your baby and keep records of what’s going on, a Doula can focus her entire attention on helping to give you exactly what you feel you need in the moment. I highly recommend having a Doula during your labor if you’d like some extra support or love. Right now I’m going to be talking about Postpartum Doulas.

The spectrum of a Postpartum Doula is to help you out immediately after the birth of your child, and up to six weeks or sometimes even until your “fourth trimester” is over (when your baby is three months old). If you have an awesome relative or relatives who are willing to come over each day for a few hours and help out with tasks around the house, they could serve as your “doula”, but having a woman who has been expressly trained in exactly the needs of a new mother is supremely helpful.

I like to say that I would have starved to death without my Doula. She always smiles and says, “probably!” (we are close friends now). Before I gave birth I just assumed that I’d pop the baby out and go about my life as usual, except with a small human hanging onto me. I was so, so wrong. I couldn’t even walk straight for multiple days! Now, not to scare anyone, and maybe I am in the minority of people who just assume nothing much will change, but DAMN.
Aside from the fact that your body has just undergone a complete metamorphosis, you really don’t want, much less need, to be focusing on things other than your baby.

Postpartum is a time of optimal mama-baby bonding, and you want to be able to spend all the energy that you have on cuddling that little thing and establishing breastfeeding. Indeed, if more mothers were able to stay primarily in bed, snuggled up naked with their babies, we might have much less trouble breastfeeding in our country.

Your Postpartum Doula will come over every day and bring or cook you food, make sure you are drinking enough water (breastfeeding dehydrates you fast!) and provide space for you to talk about all the new feelings you’re feeling. She can change baby’s diaper so you have a break, clean up a bit or wash some dishes, and even hang out with a sleeping baby while you take a quick shower if you’d like. (That first shower is oh, so nice).

Having trouble trying to find help on a budget? I totally understand. Luckily for you and me, students who are training to become Doulas will often offer their services for free. Look up your local Midwifery school and check out their section on Doulas or give them a quick call to find out if any students need someone to practice with! Some Doulas who are just starting out and trying to build some fame will also offer their services to you in exchange for reviews on their google profiles or yelp. And there’s always bartering– Maybe you can trade some of your skills for some of theirs. Where there’s a will there’s a way!

Having some help in the first few days, even just the first week or so, will change your postpartum experience for the better. Trust me. I hope you are able to find some resources if you’re interested in exploring this more! And remember ladies, Just Doula.

Mamatune

Starting Baby on Solids, Seasonally

Most parents have heard that you should wait until at least six months of age before starting your baby on solid foods. Then there is the usual list of the best first foods, which includes bananas, avocados or (eek!) rice cereal.

Without getting too much into the rice cereal discussion right now, all I’ll say is that it is certainly not very nutritious, and you would be better off giving your kiddo veg and fruits. Avocado and banana are mushy and easy to hold, so they are great first foods for your baby because they probably won’t choke on them and they can feed themselves once they’ve developed the motor skills to bring food to mouth. If you choose these, that’s totally okay.

But what about starting out with Seasonal Solids?

Studies have found that foods are actually totally nutritionally different depending on when they are harvested! Leading health experts and nutritionists have said that eating food in season is important for leading a balanced lifestyle and even crucial for limiting the emergence of allergies and food intolerances.

With it being so easy to eat any food we want year around, we end up eating basically the same handful of food all the time. Switching it up seasonally may help your body to find it’s own rhythm and balance and even combat obesity. We all want to start our babies out in the best way possible for us.

Want to try experimenting with some seasonal foods for your baby who’s just starting solids? Depending on your season, here are some different foods you might try!

Spring is a time of new growth, flowers and greens! Babies may have a hard time eating greens, but my little one loves to chew on edible flowers. Try Nasturtium for a tasty snack! Depending on where you are, a few varieties of berries may also be growing. Here we had a few blueberries and raspberries. Carrots are also a great choice for teething babies to chew on (not so much for actually eating unless you want to cook them).

Summer has many easy to eat foods for babies, and what better way to enjoy them than a family picnic outside? Some of my favorites are plums, blackberries, strawberries and of course melons!

Fall as it’s getting a bit more chilly is the perfect time for baked sweet potatoes. Delicious for baby and you! Also try different varieties of squash and apples.

Winter is the time for root vegetables. Regular potatoes, more sweet potatoes (yum!), butternut squash in particular and you could try roasting some parsnips and carrots– Easy for baby to hold and eat on her/his own, and an interesting food to introduce to your little love!

I’d love to hear about anyone’s experience in starting their baby on solids, and please let me know if you have any recommendations for seasonal foods!

(I recommend remaining with your child at all times while they are eating and watching carefully as well as checking for food that is left in their mouth after they finish. Taking an Infant CPR class can help alleviate stress if you are worried about your baby choking.)

Why Attachment Parenting is Hard Sometimes

Attachment parenting can be hard sometimes.

Particularly I am talking about when your baby wakes up because she needs to pee, even though she’s only slept for one hour so far. I’ve taught my kid to tell me about what she needs, and to let me know when she needs my help with something.

I could have chosen to ignore her needs, and taught her to not try and let me know when she needs to pee. If I had done this, she could wake up a bit, pee in a diaper and sleep some more. Maybe that would be easier in some ways.

As it is, she wakes up specifically to let me know she has to pee, and I take her to the sink or her potty and she will pee. Sometimes she’ll be able to fall straight back to sleep as she nurses after this, but mostly she sits up and wants to grab things, put everything in her mouth and play.

Soon she is yawning, rubbing her eyes and reaching for me. Time for some more sleep. No doubt she will wake up again in about an hour and we will do it all over again.

If she could sleep for longer than an hour at a time in the day, maybe she wouldn’t get the afternoon fussies.
But alas, there’s really no way to know how things would be if they were different. And besides, I feel so lucky to have the relationship that I do with her. I’m glad she can tell me her needs, and I am happy to listen to them. Even if it means most of my day is taken up with her. (For anyone wondering, this is only a daytime routine. She sleeps really well at night).

I wonder if her daytime naps will increase in length as she gets older, even as we continue being diaper free?

Why Would You Do Elimination Communication?

A few weeks ago at one of my Breastfeeding Groups,  one of the other moms asked with some effort, “Why do you do Elimination Communication? ….What is the point?”

This is a fairly common question and point of view: Babies poop and pee, and if you put a diaper on them you can just ignore it and get on with your life. Why go through all the hassle of trying to listen to and interpret your child’s cues?

There are the obvious reasons that everyone can list and think of off of the top of their head, which generally comes down to people thinking your child will potty train easier or faster. But what do I really get out of it, besides occasionally being peed on?

One of the main faucets that it comes down to with me personally, is the communication that I have to, and have, developed with my child due to Elimination Communication. I mean, she can’t even say much besides “baaa” and “eh” and “mamoa” yet, but some how we can usually communicate in such a way that I am able to take her somewhere appropriate to eliminate. That fact in itself is just amazing to me.

While it’s true that some babies don’t seem to fuss overly much when left in a wet or soiled diaper for a while, who can say whether that’s a very early on learned trait or not. I’ve found that my own child will try really hard to cue me if I’m not paying attention so that I can help her when she needs to go. Overtime it’s become clear that she really enjoys being and feeling clean, and expects me at this point to always help her.

It may seem extreme to some. Elimination Communication the way I do it is not for everyone and that’s okay. There are simple ways to start connecting with your baby in this way and strengthen the bond between both of you.

There are so many reasons why I choose to stay aware of and care about my child’s elimination needs. I could write for a very long time about all of this and I plan to explore and share more in upcoming posts, including touching on some easy ways to bring more communication into your life.

Mamatune

Mamatune Ignites!

Hello wordpress!

I am mamatune: an attachment parent practicing elimination communication, co-sleeping, vital touch, respect and active communication.

I am an avid writer– not very tech savvy when it comes to creating blogs though, so I thought I’d give this free and easy wordpress.com thing a try.

I plan to write about my adventures in parenting, the “weird” things that I believe when it comes to rearing kids and also would love to incorporate my lust for herbalism and wildcraft as well as art!

Most, or let’s be honest, all! Of my posts will no doubt be written during my child’s nap time, or after bed, snuggled up next to each other, boob in mouth periodically.

My aim for writing is to find more likeminded folk to converse with and learn from, and build more community around my lifestyle and family choices.

Here’s to keeping this up for at least a month!

Mamatune